day 11: a day i'll never forget

Four years ago today, my life was turned upside down.
I was 17, and 6 months pregnant. I was in my last year of high school and had decided to skip my last period class in order to catch up on some homework. I got home and logged on to msn. A moment later, Donnie (his best friend) sent me a message telling me that he was going to call me because he had something important to say and didn't want to do it over msn. At the same moment, I got a text message from my best friend. She asked where I was (classes were over and she usually drove me home). She said she needed to talk to me right away.

Donnie called and told me that there had been an accident, and at the same moment Erica texted me to tell me that she didn't want to tell me via text, but she wanted to be the one to tell me that he had been killed early that morning.

I was frozen. I couldn't cry. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. He told me that he was on his way to ID the body, but that it was Tyrone. He told me I needed to someone so that I wasn't alone.

I called my mom and told her I needed her to come home. I couldn't tell her why. It seemed like a lifetime before she got home. I sat on my bed, frozen. The moment she walked in the door I fell apart.

It took along time before I stopped feeling numb. I miss him like crazy and he would have been so proud of our little boy. I never had the chance to tell him that it was indeed a boy...however we both had a feeling from the beginning that it was.

Some say that there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
After 4 years, I think I've finally managed to make to acceptance. I'm still sad. I still miss him. He's a part of me and he will live on forever in our son. I know that my sadness will never really go away, but the intensity has started to diminish. I've learned to function with my grief, which has been a long time coming. I no longer blame myself for what happened.

Do you ever feel like someone out there is trying to tell you something? I often feel like a certian song comes on the radio for a reason. Like the lyrics can somehow help me work through a problem, or overcome an obstacle...or in this case...know that its okay to move on. That he knows I loved him even if we were angry with eachother...and that somehow things happen for a reason.

This was the song and I truly feel like he wanted me to hear it today.

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Rest in Peace
Tyrone James Leppard
December 27, 1986 - January 11, 2006
-στο θÜνατο βρßσκουμε την ελευθερßα-
in death we find freedom